I return to my madness in a blink of an eye, Felt the calmness and the overwhelming ability to relax, the tears of joy in my eyes was my heart at an ease i haven’t had for years. Suddenly-GONE! Poof! My love, my unconditional love, my heartthrob- somehow betrayed me and just let me fall..tumble hard, Just DROP! I sank in the boat he rescued years ago, my life preserver was gone, The feeling of literally having to make a choice between my children and Terry never was so easy. He handcrafted is so, the difficulty of figuring it out was so simple, the vast hatred on his face took me to my father slamming my head against the corner of the kitchen wall at 7028. The blood rushing through my head, my heart pounding, the fear, the feeling of having to escape. all appeared. and once again no one to rescue me- I would take off running and cry till i slept, the horrible feeling of the vomit wanting to wretch from my mouth because it hurts so badly, the site of him sickens me now, my love is only as a pure sense of feeling sorry for him. Another man in my life that I must stay with because of need, knowing they don’t want me around and can’t stand me. I feel the unwillingness,  then to find what I said years ago of my family- they will need me…. oh they do..for their togetherness- for their fulfillment and need of family. I needed them so badly. just to talk, just to hold , just for reassurance and stability……………………just for love and family, NOWHERE..THEY WERE NOWHERE!!! No more,, no more friends , no more loves, no more family.. It hurts too bad.. I want a way out.. I want to go away alone, by myself, I want everyone to know I am good without them, they need do nothing for me-It’s all disappointment that I just don’t have the energy to do anymore, I have loved all I can, I have cried all I want to, I chose not to be around hate, The disappointment is too much for me to bare, New year, New journey…which path will I wander?

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