Not Enough Faith

I believe I got caught up in a time of selfishness on my part. I was simply looking for a little relaxation and inner peace.

This latest journey I have been on has messed me up…really messed me up. The healing process of relaxation turned into a mind boggling qua z acid trip I was not ready for. Lying in a Mystical room with ideal  aromatherapy and sound. Deep wonderful relaxation. Oh Anna warned me…. The wanted and need to go back for more..the trust and feelings I laid out there. Suddenly in a warp of futuristic time I’m battling demons of 45 years ago from nowhere. Trying to makes sense of it all and justifying with myself!!!? really? Then the questions appear..What can I do to make things better for family members…right? Here we go..I knew they would need me , never thought this was how though. Tools you say????..to bring siblings closer-to make them want to love me…Really? I am so simple, so black and white- I pretty much say what is on my mind (just ask my son)..I am loving , extremely caring, thoughtful,(thanks to my dear mother for showing me that!)..Honest and way generous… Ok now another thing..I am absolutely  positive I know the people I love and the people who love me…unconditionally…very few,,but positive. I feel very fortunate for them..and I am very content with them. I do not need to search for love. At this point in my live I sure the fuck am not gonna beg for it, or plea for it either…so tools!!!!????..I don’t need tools to make someone to love me…they just must want to love me..that’s all..It’s that simple.they don’t have to try, or wish or work on it….it’s either there or not. If there are ill feelings or memories blocking that path, one must feel forgiveness, or have a different perception. People of our past that we have betrayed, hated, disowned, hurt,abandoned,or forgot are definite reasons we feel guilt, isolation, shame,sadness, and anxiety. The ability to undo those feelings are always within us, we have to find inner strength to have the profound ability to be bigger than who  we think we are.We must not think it’s up to others to be the change , it is us to be the change within. When it hurts so bad, it makes you dizzy and sick. You are making changes. Those people become people you want to be around, share with , spend time with, and love. Always look at bad feelings in a sense that there was some good from it…it is extremely challenging sometimes, but I assure you the good is there!
 When there is a feeling upsetting you over and over. The pure excessive acts about it will drive you mad.Concentrate on the true reason the thought upsets you, or maybe the real reason an act happened. When we think of our everyday lives many things happen everyday we can control. For instance, If you wake up for work late on a Monday, and you have an important meeting in one hour, and your electricity is off because of a major snowstorm, and you have only cold water for your shower, and then come to find there is 6″ of snow on your car….5 hours later you show up at work, looking like you just rolled out of bed….if you had to go home to children at 6:00, and they wanted to show you all the pretty things they made for you that day.. it would be hard for you to be cheery and happy, and your children 35 years later would only remember how bad you hated their artwork. We must think of those instances in our lives that had huge impacts on us, and know the circumstances could have been that simple sceneriel  Define in your thoughts every simple step before you judge or come to a conclusion. Look at it as almost a misunderstanding on your behalf every time. Believe in yourself..if your’e a person of God…Have faith..strong faith..know forgiveness, know piety, mostly know understanding and true love..forgiveness will follow simply. Faith, Hope and Love…completely.
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