My forgiveness came long ago. I knew healing would only manifest itself if I forgave. Long ago the need I had was so great, so desperate. I wanted my heart to stop burning, I wanted my head to stop spinning. The noise in my head was so astonishing I could not sleep. Lying on my vacant floor with a numb relentless pain, the only thing I had was me. What a great self discovery. I cried myself to sleep, repeating how badly I hated the world, how badly I hated my family, how badly I hated my life. little did I know that when I would awake things would be different.
I am the change today- the load I let go of so many years ago, made me so free. The criticism I took for so many years, the harsh, hurtful comments, the abuse, the hatred, the humiliation, poverty, and ignorance, somehow all became my learning tools. The chains I broke free of that night, brought me into an existence of new air. My only hope was that I didn’t waste too much of my life, and I still had many years to really live and be whole. That was 25 years ago today. Now I awake everyday, and am so delighted I have air to breathe, and I have a day ahead of me to explore and create. Hopefully able to love and be loved, and be grateful and calm for what ever the day brings. I have many, many downfalls in 25 years, but none which have broke me yet, there is always great effort out there to get me, I just keep on being relentless with all my teachings, and look to my great educators for the answer for the need of this moment. We all have these great people, they are all part of our lives, It is whether we chose to allow them in our souls to constantly help us to heal. People who have hurt us, abandon us, loved us, rejected us. There are people who deliberately left us standing cold in the dark. Maybe you have never met them, maybe you know no name or face. You remember, you recall, you can not forget….now forgive. now heal…you can do this now, you could have done it right along..you already knew….those that have shamed me, blamed me, and hurt me….and are lying on the floor so desperate wanting their heart to stop burning, wanting their head to stop spinning, wanting the noise to quiet in their heads are trying to figure out a way to make life better with me. not knowing I am peaceful, I am calm, they don’t know, I already knew.
I struggle everyday,,,,I have for 26 years. My son..so simple…but yet extremely complicated. His beautiful mind never rests..I knew from the day he was born he was really unique. Asperger’s Syndrome-( Asperger’s syndrome, Asperger disorder (AD) or simply Asperger’s, is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and nonverbal communication, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests)..Wikipedia. I have a great understanding of him..but he lacks the ability to communicate his feelings in a tolerable way. So getting along is just something we lack. He is very intelligent, extremely educated, cute, married,employed, and somewhat content. I am so proud of him and all his achievements…I constantly pray daily the world
will become more understanding of people who have this wonderful gift, and become more patient with understanding their world…In honor of our friends birthday today I wanted to share my son’s talent…he does this with pencil..and when he does.. he rests his beautiful mind..He is truly the greatest son,my blessing with the best gift ever.
“I know I am loved by few…But very much!” A.S. Roxburgh
Some day just are days when you really have to search for purpose..then to only realize , it must come from ones own self.