I already Knew

My forgiveness came long ago. I knew healing would only manifest itself if I forgave. Long ago the need I had was so great, so desperate. I wanted my heart to stop burning, I wanted my head to stop spinning. The noise in my head was so astonishing I could not sleep. Lying on my vacant floor with a numb relentless pain, the only thing I had was me. What a great self discovery. I cried myself to sleep, repeating how badly I hated the world, how badly I hated my family, how badly I hated my life. little did I know that when I would awake things would be different.

I am the change today- the load I let go of so many years ago, made me so free. The criticism I took for so many years, the harsh, hurtful comments, the abuse, the hatred, the humiliation, poverty, and ignorance, somehow all became my learning tools. The chains I broke free of that night, brought me into an existence of new air. My only hope was that I didn’t waste too much of my life, and I still had many years to really live and be whole. That was 25 years ago today. Now I awake everyday, and am so delighted I have air to breathe, and I have a day ahead of me to explore and create. Hopefully able to love and be loved, and be grateful and calm for what ever the day brings. I have many, many downfalls in 25 years, but none which have broke me yet, there is always great effort out there to get me, I just keep on being relentless with all my teachings, and look to my great educators for the answer for the need of this moment. We all have these great people, they are all part of our lives, It is whether we chose to allow them in our souls to constantly help us to heal. People who have hurt us, abandon us, loved us, rejected us. There are people who deliberately left us standing cold in the dark. Maybe you have never met them, maybe you know no name or face. You remember, you recall, you can not forget….now forgive. now heal…you can do this now, you could have done it right along..you already knew….those that have shamed me, blamed me, and hurt me….and are lying on the floor so desperate wanting their heart to stop burning, wanting their head to stop spinning, wanting the noise to quiet in their heads are trying to figure out a way to make life better with me. not knowing I am peaceful, I am calm, they don’t know, I already knew.

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I have PTSD…I feel like a freak today!…I can’t  concentrate..the world is spinning and I can’t breathe. I have to stop and close my eyes and know this is just today..like yesterday and the day before that…only if I could remember. I feel my normal today. but in the line of the “Movie Fifty First Dates” Hi my name is Bob its nice to meet you!..I meet a new me practically everyday..reading what I wrote from the day before: what I’m doing today,  so I don’t have to always ask everyone in my mixed up world-“What the hell is going on!?” I put in the perspective of what normal is, and then I some what maintain a day of being content, but constantly searching for betterment. A bit confusing in my world however, I keep going back to my saying. I must accept the world I have, I will not justify or prove my existence because of my inability to meet the needs of others because of me being different. I have to accept that. God is who I prove myself to and live for. He knows my perfections and my imperfections, and only him. I try to learn something new everyday, and step out of my micro-life! Be thankful today…for today!