Just For ME

“I pledge  Allegiance to flag of the United states of America. and to the republic for which it stands…..”, On Friday January 20. 2017. my life changed, and so did the life of everyone else in the United States. Our Nation became new.  New is always good. Change is wonderful. We must not become stagnate, lost. or too comfortable. Change is one of the greatest things, we as humans are most afraid of. Our world would be wilted and dull without change. Change mostly gives us the feeling of loosing control. We maintain control by getting knowledge, understanding, purpose, unity, security, continuity.  We become new by adding great changes, we do it every minute, every day, every year of our lives. It makes us the better person we all strive to become. Allow the freedoms we have, the abilities we have, the differences we have, and the love we have, to become more knowledgeable and understanding human beings. To be the guidance for all people who need the ones who are stronger, and have more wisdom and strength than their own selves. We all have weaknesses. We all have strengths. Sometimes we wish for what others possess. It is time to look at our own hearts, and reach out, with out judgement or criticism. It is time to realize the innocence that we are all made from, is some greater gift we must hoard. We must learn to teach, assist, mentor, guide, stand up for, and appreciate each other in a constant mode, and lose the selfishness that has demonized our souls. I start today… I’m thankful I am a Mother, a Grandmother, and a wife, I am grateful I live in the beautiful United States. I respect my rights to vote in a free country.  Some days I wish for more, but could always do with way less. I love my husband and thankful he has a job. I try to learn something new everyday…like my father taught me. I thank all the women who marched on Saturday, knowing how hard it is for me to walk very far without my walker or cane…and hoping they marched for children, men, women, all rights for all, born and unborn, to teach us, to mentor us, to nurture us, guide us and stand up for all. Not just for women, this was for me….. only me!…..And you…well you should say that too if you weren’t  there. They did it for you too! Only you!  No Judgement, no criticism, just united together. Start today…be free, have purpose, teach, be the change….with liberty and justice for all.

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HERO DOGGIE

Every morning since 2008 he stood be the side of my bed after the sun can up until I awoke. He looked at me and gave me a little lick on my hand- I knew it was time to start my day.  Every step I took he followed directly be side me. I was mostly alone and often afraid, but after time I was reassured by my family that I had no worries Jimmie was here, he will take care of you.  He was truly my watchdog, my best friend, my guardian, my security, sometimes my eyes, sometimes my legs, sometimes my life line..not just my dog.  Several years back he was diagnosed with a form of cancer- I researched on how I could keep him healthy.. I changed his diet and lifestyle , to be more stress-free.he lived 3 more years , the vet told me he would maybe live 3 months….I cherished everyday.. I thanked  him every moment I could,,, hugged him and showed him constant gratitude…On February 12, 2016, He changed drastically, started hiding, stayed far away from me, only came to me if I called his name.. I knew he didn’t want me to know his weakness…. I felt so helpless, and wanted to die!..What would I do with out my Hero. That Sunday he died,,, he ran to the rainbow bridge….my life will never be the same…the emptiness is unbearable…I pray we connect someday….I loved that dog so much..I have a loc of his shiny brown hair and print of his gentle paw..forever…my hero, my doggie..thank you for being at my side I hear you …feel you…see you… everyday!
Beautifulness
My Best Dog!

This Time of Year

                               This Time of Year

                      Every year this week arrives

                 it’s probably not important to most!

I think of you, and pray for you, remembering TWO very important Lives!

               No balloons, flowers, cake to eat, or toys,

   Just a celebration in heart, and praise to Our God with Gratitude –

     As we remember TWO beautiful men, I knew as boys!

            For you my friend- I know of your unending grief;

Your will to carry on- LIVE FULL, UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE, and little RELIEF

                Our Lord watches over you daily with love,

   I know this because a Mother’s heart is always a part of her children-

   Especially when they are in the Heavens with him, shinning ABOVE!

I already Knew

My forgiveness came long ago. I knew healing would only manifest itself if I forgave. Long ago the need I had was so great, so desperate. I wanted my heart to stop burning, I wanted my head to stop spinning. The noise in my head was so astonishing I could not sleep. Lying on my vacant floor with a numb relentless pain, the only thing I had was me. What a great self discovery. I cried myself to sleep, repeating how badly I hated the world, how badly I hated my family, how badly I hated my life. little did I know that when I would awake things would be different.

I am the change today- the load I let go of so many years ago, made me so free. The criticism I took for so many years, the harsh, hurtful comments, the abuse, the hatred, the humiliation, poverty, and ignorance, somehow all became my learning tools. The chains I broke free of that night, brought me into an existence of new air. My only hope was that I didn’t waste too much of my life, and I still had many years to really live and be whole. That was 25 years ago today. Now I awake everyday, and am so delighted I have air to breathe, and I have a day ahead of me to explore and create. Hopefully able to love and be loved, and be grateful and calm for what ever the day brings. I have many, many downfalls in 25 years, but none which have broke me yet, there is always great effort out there to get me, I just keep on being relentless with all my teachings, and look to my great educators for the answer for the need of this moment. We all have these great people, they are all part of our lives, It is whether we chose to allow them in our souls to constantly help us to heal. People who have hurt us, abandon us, loved us, rejected us. There are people who deliberately left us standing cold in the dark. Maybe you have never met them, maybe you know no name or face. You remember, you recall, you can not forget….now forgive. now heal…you can do this now, you could have done it right along..you already knew….those that have shamed me, blamed me, and hurt me….and are lying on the floor so desperate wanting their heart to stop burning, wanting their head to stop spinning, wanting the noise to quiet in their heads are trying to figure out a way to make life better with me. not knowing I am peaceful, I am calm, they don’t know, I already knew.

A New Generation

ImageI have less than fifty years left of my life. Everyday I consider life as a miracle and a gift from God.  Lately I have been thinking of reasons I have anxiety and restlessness. I capture short moments in my mind-memories of long ago. When I smell cut grass lately in the summer time my mind returns to “7028” in my yard all freshly cut, soft and the sky is blue not a cloud..I can feel the warmth of the hot sun as I lie there in my lime green polka-dotted sun dress and bloomers. In an Instance I hear my father yelling at me to get off the grass, you’re gonna kill it-go play somewhere else. I ran as fast as I can, far into the cornfields, deeps into the rows, just to cry, and sob so hard no one could hear. Oh how my feelings were hurt. What was I doing so badly. I’m sure I was all of five. My beautiful blonde hair, my darling smile, my happy heart!.I wanted to please him and make my father so proud of me. Be daddy’s little girl. Cleaning the house when I was ten began to be a challenge. How hard and tirelessly hours could I do, for him to say just once, “you did a great job!” No, it would be mt face in a  bucket of dirty Spic and Span water, telling me how stupid I am and didn’t I know what clean looks like, “Get out of here, you make me sick, do you see how stupid you are?” I would run outside to the side of my house and sit leaned up against the wall, pulling a long green weed and putting into my mouth and sitting there crying where no one could see me, telling myself how much I hated him! Why was I so bad. I knew one day I would make him proud. As he got older and very ill I returned to live with my parents with my husband and two young children.. I felt so horribly guilty of my hateful feelings I had for him all of my childhood, I knew I could make him feel better and well. I nursed him with bandages meds,baths, meals and late nights of calming his fears. I WOULD BE AT HIS RESCUE IN EVERY EMERGENCY. I would sleep on the floor next to his bed so he knew I would always be there. He had his toes removed -I would clean the terrible odor of gangrenous tissue  to keep it from spreading. He could never die!!! He was so tough, so intelligent, he taught me so much about growing up and to just keep on going! He gave me so much strength and showed me how not to sweat the small stuff…he could never die I wanted to just have him teach me and my children more.  One night, I awoke to find him sitting outside on the patio..He was sitting in a chair all slumped over asleep. I sat down out there and just stared at him in the moonlight. I said out loud “I love you papa, thank you for always taking care of me! Thank you for making me tough. I will take care of you for as long as you want me to, you have always done that for me.” Then he said to me “don’t just sit there and God Damn look at me are you stupid..go inside I’M SLEEPING!” I ran downstairs in the den and cried myself to sleep. Years had passed my mother died, I hadn’t seen my father since he told me to get the f@!k out of his life at my mothers funeral. My brother invited us out to see my father at his home. My boys ran to him Papa papa! I was so taken back they remembered him, I went up to him,,he was sitting under the shade by my brothers pool. I said to him Hi dad, it so great to see you, he turned and hugged my youngest son and asked my sister-in law for another glass of iced tea. I held back the tears . My lips trembled so. I walked around, I wanted my boys to get as much time as they could. I know it would be the last time we would ever see him! I grasped on to those memories for them. He never acknowledged me then, and when he passed, he never acknowledged me in his will, never a letter or anything. An I love you  or I’m proud of you would have been great! Now that I have Less than fifty years to live now, and seeing how hard it is when life throws you around.  I realize, my dad did the best he could for what he knew, every thing he knew he learned himself. No one told him they were proud when he was young and surely didn’t have a whole lot  of love,,,,Just strength, and he left me that. Now when I get through tough times or figure things out on my own, I thank my dad…and I have to believe in my heart, maybe he never loved me but deep deep down I gotta believe he is proud!