Just For ME

“I pledge  Allegiance to flag of the United states of America. and to the republic for which it stands…..”, On Friday January 20. 2017. my life changed, and so did the life of everyone else in the United States. Our Nation became new.  New is always good. Change is wonderful. We must not become stagnate, lost. or too comfortable. Change is one of the greatest things, we as humans are most afraid of. Our world would be wilted and dull without change. Change mostly gives us the feeling of loosing control. We maintain control by getting knowledge, understanding, purpose, unity, security, continuity.  We become new by adding great changes, we do it every minute, every day, every year of our lives. It makes us the better person we all strive to become. Allow the freedoms we have, the abilities we have, the differences we have, and the love we have, to become more knowledgeable and understanding human beings. To be the guidance for all people who need the ones who are stronger, and have more wisdom and strength than their own selves. We all have weaknesses. We all have strengths. Sometimes we wish for what others possess. It is time to look at our own hearts, and reach out, with out judgement or criticism. It is time to realize the innocence that we are all made from, is some greater gift we must hoard. We must learn to teach, assist, mentor, guide, stand up for, and appreciate each other in a constant mode, and lose the selfishness that has demonized our souls. I start today… I’m thankful I am a Mother, a Grandmother, and a wife, I am grateful I live in the beautiful United States. I respect my rights to vote in a free country.  Some days I wish for more, but could always do with way less. I love my husband and thankful he has a job. I try to learn something new everyday…like my father taught me. I thank all the women who marched on Saturday, knowing how hard it is for me to walk very far without my walker or cane…and hoping they marched for children, men, women, all rights for all, born and unborn, to teach us, to mentor us, to nurture us, guide us and stand up for all. Not just for women, this was for me….. only me!…..And you…well you should say that too if you weren’t  there. They did it for you too! Only you!  No Judgement, no criticism, just united together. Start today…be free, have purpose, teach, be the change….with liberty and justice for all.

HERO DOGGIE

Every morning since 2008 he stood be the side of my bed after the sun can up until I awoke. He looked at me and gave me a little lick on my hand- I knew it was time to start my day.  Every step I took he followed directly be side me. I was mostly alone and often afraid, but after time I was reassured by my family that I had no worries Jimmie was here, he will take care of you.  He was truly my watchdog, my best friend, my guardian, my security, sometimes my eyes, sometimes my legs, sometimes my life line..not just my dog.  Several years back he was diagnosed with a form of cancer- I researched on how I could keep him healthy.. I changed his diet and lifestyle , to be more stress-free.he lived 3 more years , the vet told me he would maybe live 3 months….I cherished everyday.. I thanked  him every moment I could,,, hugged him and showed him constant gratitude…On February 12, 2016, He changed drastically, started hiding, stayed far away from me, only came to me if I called his name.. I knew he didn’t want me to know his weakness…. I felt so helpless, and wanted to die!..What would I do with out my Hero. That Sunday he died,,, he ran to the rainbow bridge….my life will never be the same…the emptiness is unbearable…I pray we connect someday….I loved that dog so much..I have a loc of his shiny brown hair and print of his gentle paw..forever…my hero, my doggie..thank you for being at my side I hear you …feel you…see you… everyday!
Beautifulness
My Best Dog!

Always The Plan

If I had to live my life over again, my wish would have found you sooner.IMG_6651 so I could love you longer and  to see if our path would have started as babies or children, or perhaps a crazy school age crush. It seems by the way things are today,I feel like I have known you a life-time. As I look hard at my life, there are so many things you know nothing about.  Did you know I took piano lessons from Judy Nelson from 2-4th grade! I was a kindergartner at Springville Elementary. My first kiss was when I was in 5th grade by a kid who stole it in my front yard who’s named Robbie Hatridge. My little brother and I once ran away to the railroad tracks for one whole day!..I’ll bet you never knew that about me!!! I won an art contest in 5th grade, portraying the best picture of Heaven!…I’m no artist! I learned to slalom water skii when I was 11. I sang a solo when I was 14! Was in Love with 5 Mikes, 4 Daves, 2 Marks, 2 Jims, 1 Dawg,2 Steves, Only one Terry! Married 3 and one of the Jim’s was my Dog!!!..My first friend in my life was Sheryl Hingorani, and my first dog was Jack. How about this did you know I’ve been out of town 3 times while you were sleeping..Once to Lincoln, twice to the Casino in C.B. bet you didn’t know!..I wonder how many times you made me cry, laugh,angry, hurt,disappointed,.sad,..I’m sure not as many as I did you. Did you know how excited I was everyday for you to come home from work..or to go to bed with you at night? Mostly did you know the end was always the plan…I was to meet you right when I did.  You were the calm I needed, the love that I so desperately searched for- You were the provider I never had, the dad, the caregiver, the chef, the lover, the teacher, but mostly. the friend I needed just at the perfect time in my life. How happy I am it’s you!! How lucky was I to have you as part of my plan. My life over again? Perhaps it just started with you!

A New Generation

ImageI have less than fifty years left of my life. Everyday I consider life as a miracle and a gift from God.  Lately I have been thinking of reasons I have anxiety and restlessness. I capture short moments in my mind-memories of long ago. When I smell cut grass lately in the summer time my mind returns to “7028” in my yard all freshly cut, soft and the sky is blue not a cloud..I can feel the warmth of the hot sun as I lie there in my lime green polka-dotted sun dress and bloomers. In an Instance I hear my father yelling at me to get off the grass, you’re gonna kill it-go play somewhere else. I ran as fast as I can, far into the cornfields, deeps into the rows, just to cry, and sob so hard no one could hear. Oh how my feelings were hurt. What was I doing so badly. I’m sure I was all of five. My beautiful blonde hair, my darling smile, my happy heart!.I wanted to please him and make my father so proud of me. Be daddy’s little girl. Cleaning the house when I was ten began to be a challenge. How hard and tirelessly hours could I do, for him to say just once, “you did a great job!” No, it would be mt face in a  bucket of dirty Spic and Span water, telling me how stupid I am and didn’t I know what clean looks like, “Get out of here, you make me sick, do you see how stupid you are?” I would run outside to the side of my house and sit leaned up against the wall, pulling a long green weed and putting into my mouth and sitting there crying where no one could see me, telling myself how much I hated him! Why was I so bad. I knew one day I would make him proud. As he got older and very ill I returned to live with my parents with my husband and two young children.. I felt so horribly guilty of my hateful feelings I had for him all of my childhood, I knew I could make him feel better and well. I nursed him with bandages meds,baths, meals and late nights of calming his fears. I WOULD BE AT HIS RESCUE IN EVERY EMERGENCY. I would sleep on the floor next to his bed so he knew I would always be there. He had his toes removed -I would clean the terrible odor of gangrenous tissue  to keep it from spreading. He could never die!!! He was so tough, so intelligent, he taught me so much about growing up and to just keep on going! He gave me so much strength and showed me how not to sweat the small stuff…he could never die I wanted to just have him teach me and my children more.  One night, I awoke to find him sitting outside on the patio..He was sitting in a chair all slumped over asleep. I sat down out there and just stared at him in the moonlight. I said out loud “I love you papa, thank you for always taking care of me! Thank you for making me tough. I will take care of you for as long as you want me to, you have always done that for me.” Then he said to me “don’t just sit there and God Damn look at me are you stupid..go inside I’M SLEEPING!” I ran downstairs in the den and cried myself to sleep. Years had passed my mother died, I hadn’t seen my father since he told me to get the f@!k out of his life at my mothers funeral. My brother invited us out to see my father at his home. My boys ran to him Papa papa! I was so taken back they remembered him, I went up to him,,he was sitting under the shade by my brothers pool. I said to him Hi dad, it so great to see you, he turned and hugged my youngest son and asked my sister-in law for another glass of iced tea. I held back the tears . My lips trembled so. I walked around, I wanted my boys to get as much time as they could. I know it would be the last time we would ever see him! I grasped on to those memories for them. He never acknowledged me then, and when he passed, he never acknowledged me in his will, never a letter or anything. An I love you  or I’m proud of you would have been great! Now that I have Less than fifty years to live now, and seeing how hard it is when life throws you around.  I realize, my dad did the best he could for what he knew, every thing he knew he learned himself. No one told him they were proud when he was young and surely didn’t have a whole lot  of love,,,,Just strength, and he left me that. Now when I get through tough times or figure things out on my own, I thank my dad…and I have to believe in my heart, maybe he never loved me but deep deep down I gotta believe he is proud!